Saturday, December 08, 2007

Matrimony, Parents and the Bounds of Indian Propriety.

This isn't the love vs. arranged marriage debate. That's beaten to death. I might beat it some more sometime, but that's for another day.

So this friend of a friend, is going through the marriage-process. The things most girls in India go through at some point before their 30's. Unless you have found yourself a partner who is agreeable to your parents. Which, by combining the odds of (a) Finding a Partner who's any good, and (b) Of him being agreeable to your parents, becomes very highly improbable. In the event of a & !b (I am an engineer), you also have the option of running away from home, but that's gone out of fashion ever since the legendary DDLJ of a decade back. (If Shahrukh tells us all to win over our parents, we will. Hail, SRK!)


The Marriage-Process. It gives me great pleasure in describing this once-in-a-lifetime(-mostly) activity. The Marriage-Process would be a misnomer actually. Lets call it the Hunt-For-Man-Eligible-to-Get-Daughter-Married-to. The hunt. The search for the one, the big battle that culminates in the ultimate - the marriage. The peace of mind that comes with seeing the daughter safe with the stranger. Well, to be fair, the stranger is mostly, by the time the marriage happens, known for atleast a couple of months.

Hunting through multiple profiles and photographs. Sifting through the innumerable lies, and lying photographs. The meetings. It all seems so odd. And well, understandably discomforting. I'm taking the safe path here and not going all out against this stuff, because someday, in the event of ! a, I will, in all probability also be subjected to such rituals.

What follows the meetings, if positive, will be the phone calls and the recently added to the means of communication, chats (in the face of technological advancements and potential grooms in widely separated time zones - but of course.)

As if all this is not strange enough, what is most amusing, is that all these activities happen in parallel with many potentials. I'm not too sure of the exact situation here, but from the tales that reach these ears, some have 'em one by one, some all together. The men have what is the equivalent of parallel talks on business deals with multiple clients. The girls talk in parallel with their many suitors. Each is judging the other. Each is being judged. If not by many, then atleast the one chosen for that time period.

And this is where the irony of the Indian culture shows itself in full form. The very same parents who might have been scandalised at the idea of you going on a date will now offer you an array of (filtered, no less) men to choose from.. Here kid, look what we have for you.. go on, take a pick.

Once they have filtered the men in the categories of Financial Stability/Well paying Job, Education, Family and other itsies - not necessarily in that order of priority, they will encourage you to have long conversations with a man you don't know, to chat with another (and read over your shoulder), and maybe meet a third for coffee. :) You're not going to marry all of them, but now its okay. Okay to step out of what would ordinarily be inappropriate territory. Propriety, Indian culture, what will people say all forgotten :)

:D It all seems ridden with hypocrisy. It also amuses.

It only seems like all involved should enjoy this one window of parental license to flirt and date. But then, at the end of it all is the responsibility to make decisions that'll stick with you for life. Uh huh.


Jayanth T N said...

As much as I ridicule the Indian system of marriage, I don't think there is anything terribly wrong in parents asking of their kids to "go out" with multiple people. They would like to believe that their judgment is better than yours and that the men they have chosen are eligible ones. They do not allow you to date people you want to simply because they don't trust your judgment. It doesn't have as much to do with multiplicity as it has to do with the choice of the date.

Rach said...

As a friend of mine says, beyond a certain point, parents should really allow their kids to make their own decisions, and probably their own mistakes. This protective nature of shielding children from bad decisions is a very culture-specific thing.

AjAy said...

All said, Rachna, I'll talk about this topic with you maybe after 20+ years or so when you become a parent {;)} and you'll have to go through the same things that you are so very amused about now.

Jayanth T N said...

I agree with Rachna. The basic premise of their argument is that we are not wise enough. Within this premise, them not allowing you to go out with someone of your choice is right. But, yes, they really must stop being over-protective.
And, Ajay, I am not sure about Rachna, but, I am sure that I won't be this, er, intrusive I have seen parents of a few friends who let their children lead their lives and yet take care of them.

AjAy said...

You are right Jayanth, when you say that you won't interfere with your kids' life. Even I would never dream of doing that, but as even then I would be worried about them.
Also our parents are much more liberal compared to what their parents were. Same will be with us, we are going to be much more liberal than our parents!
What say??

Filarial said...